From Diagnosis to Acceptance: A Mother’s Journey with Autism

I felt like it was yesterday when I got the news about his autism diagnosis. I can still remember sitting in the paediatrician’s office with him seated to my left at a small table playing with toys. He was immersed in his own world, while I was in a confused state as I tried to listen to the doctor explain to me what his diagnosis meant and what steps we would take with him going forward. I remember doing my best to hold back those tears that I so desperately didn't want to fall from my eyes because I didn't want the doctor to see me in that state. “God, please don't make her ask me if I'm ok”, I said to myself, cause I knew if she did, I was going to break out in an ugly cry. My mind raced searching for explanations that I couldn’t even focus on what the doctor was saying to me. “How did this happen? “Was it that one time I ate fish when I was 5 months pregnant with him?,  or, “was it the 3 days of intensive labour and the forceps they had to use to help him out?”, or,  “maybe it was that time when he accidentally fell and bumped his head?” “Oh my goodness, maybe it was those vaccination shots.” I couldn't stop thinking and searching for the possible explanations as to why my son was diagnosed with autism.

I snapped out of my trance when the doctor asked if I had any questions.  My first question I had for her was,“Will he ever talk?”, because at that time he wasn't talking for his age at 3.5 years old. Just a handful of words, but not a full on conversation. That doctor had more confidence in my son than I did because she was sure that he would be talking by the time he hit year 1, and sure enough….he started to. My next question for her was the severity of his autism. She went over the stages of autism with me and I wanted to know what level he was on. “He's a stage 2 with some elements of stage 3”, she softly stated. Now, at this point, I wanted to flee the room, yelling, screaming and crying because all I could think of was, “why me”, “why my child” and he’ll never be “normal” nor achieve all the things I had envisioned for him”.  That day, I felt a bit of embarrassment, something that I can’t explain, but I swore I would never tell my family and friends about my son’s diagnosis.  I kept it between me, my husband, my two closest cousins and a close friend for about a year before I felt comfortable telling others.  They were the only ones I could find solace in and who allowed me to be emotional and release my frustrations without being judgemental.   I remember experiencing my first scolding with regards to my parenting skills towards my son just a few days after his diagnosis, and feeling like I wanted to dig a deep hole, jump in it and hide because I felt absolutely ashamed of my son and his behaviour, mind you at that time, of me not knowing, was sensory behaviour.  That moment solidified my reasoning as to why it took me so long to tell people about my son’s disability.

I once believed that my son's autism would vanish and that he would become a “normal” child one day, but that's where my education of autism came into play. I started researching through books, articles, YouTube and attending a fair amount of seminars and workshops and befriending other parents whose children were on the spectrum. I did this thinking I would find an answer to help my son not have autism. Yet, the reverse happened and unknowingly I was teaching myself about autism to the point where I started to accept and understand the disability within my son.  I realised that my son would forever be autistic and his disability wasn't going anywhere.  I had the option to give up on him or understand him and work with him to help him have the best life while being his number one advocate.

Nearly 6 years after my baby was diagnosed with autism, I look back and am amazed at how far he and I have come with regards to his disability. He's shining brightly and conquering things that I feared he would never conquer. I've never fought for someone so hard the way I have with this boy and I won't stop as long as I have breath in me. 

Happy autism awareness month to all those on the spectrum.  Let's do our diligent duty, as allistic individuals, in making sure that we create a world where people like my son can feel safe, accepted, understood and loved.

#autismawareness #autism #Neurodiversity #love #autismmom #autismrocks #autismacceptance #autismawarenessmonth