The Autism Mom: Balance Doesn't Exist In My Life

As a mother to four kids, three of whom are back-to-back in age, two that are homeschooled, one who is autistic and another who is waiting to be assessed for autism, my life is a whirlwind. I’m like the energizer bunny that keeps going and going and going and going, barely able to catch a solid five hours of sleep each night. My brain doesn’t know how to turn off because I am always thinking of something or someone. I wear so many hats that if I put on one more, I swear I’m going to tip right on over. Yep, that’s how busy I am. Most days I wish I had some form of help, but in reality, I don’t. My mum is unable to help due to her dementia, my mother-in-law remains inactive in our lives and my other family members and friends live on the other side of the world. I only have a sister-in-law who has been very helpful when I need her, but 98% of the time it’s all me and a bit of my husband. Bless him, but if I left him to handle the responsibility of managing our family, we would be a hot mess.

Some days I think to myself and say, “How on earth am I doing this?’’, because the list of things that I need to get done in my household is never ending. Balance is not in my vocabulary, especially when you have a special needs child. From daily routines to preparing meals, teaching, cleaning, doctor’s appointments, scheduling calendars, filling out medical forms, dealing with tantrums and meltdowns, doing after school activity runs, shopping, working from home and much more, I am always on the go. So much, that at the end of the day I can clock between 13k-20k steps on my Fitbit. I barely can pull myself together to have a shower or even watch a movie without falling asleep 10 minutes in because I’m so exhausted. I kid you not, there was a time that it took me over 2 weeks to watch a Netflix movie because I couldn’t keep myself up, so I watched it in increments.

I’m telling you, this kind of parenting is no joke. It consumes you to the core. Some days you feel like a superwoman ticking off almost everything on your list, but most days the struggle hits you like a pheasant on a motorway.

It kills me when I see these moms on social media who look fly as the sky, with their hair did, nails right and getting up every morning at 4am to read their bible, hit the treadmill and find time for a few minutes of R&R before the kids wake up. There is no way in HELL that they’re keeping it real, and if they are, they must have a lot of help, and if they don’t, they are pushing themselves to over exhaustion. Trust and believe!

I don’t know how my grandma, who had eight children, and other parents in my culture of the West Indies, did it back in those days when having 15, 16 or 17 children was the norm. They must have had help. Hence the phrase, ‘It takes a village to raise a child’, because I know I would be losing my ever so mind.

I’ve been a mom for almost ten years and I am coming to the realisation that this journey of motherhood that I’m blindly navigating through is and will always be unpredictable, imperfect and unbalanced, which I’m fine with. I am doing the best that I can do, which is all I can really do. I’m not trying to compete with or appease anyone, I’m just trying to do what works best for me and my family one day at a time. I know through the chaos and exhaustion, I am still appreciated by my husband who loves me even though I’ve gained a few pounds and chose sweats and trainers over miniskirts and pumps, and my kids who shower me with daily affection even when they know they’re working my last nerve.

While I may never find this ‘so-called’ balance, I’ll keep pushing forward, finding joy in the chaos, comfort in my family and solidarity of fellow moms and dads who are like me.